It would be a terrible movie. The girl. The guy. They meet, fall in love. Everything is delightfully simple. They communicate well. They don’t lay blame. They don’t project their issues. They overcome molehills before they become mountains. They simply hold each other as withmates, companions and lovers, and live happily ever after.
Terrible plot. Who wants to see that right? Except I do. But not in the movies—in the lives of my clients, friends, and what the hell, even myself!
It’s the numero ono topic I read cards about. “I’d like to know about my relationship,” they start out. And okay, I really don’t mind. We all want to be in love and be loved back – it’s pretty universal. And I totally get it. But then so many of my wonderful clients are in sour relationships and I gotta admit, I cringe—it breaks my heart and deadens my soul when I hear an otherwise intelligent, independent woman say to me,
“It’s just been so hard, there’s been so much drama, it just HAS to be right. I work SO HARD for this relationship. He MUST be the one.”
These are women in pain, it’s palpable and I feel it. I’ve been there. It’s been awful and harrowing and I couldn’t stop the hurt even when I was both in the midst of it and aware of it from the outside.
I hit a wall with this sometime in 2010. Had this realization about my life, my self, my soul, which was stifled and cold. It went like this: I woke up and realized that it was my life, my self, my soul, that was on the line. That’s about all the control I can maintain over this physical world, and I was squandering it, trying to fit into this relationship that was about two sizes too small.
So I guess you’re wondering if I knew all along that my marriage would end? Did I see it? Well, I can honestly tell you that I knew that my relationship was no longer serving me. That I was no longer growing in love, but rather, my ex and I had grown apart. I guess the real question becomes, if I would have known, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my marriage would end, would that have changed the way I felt in the relationship? And the answer is probably not. I still would have fallen in love. I still would have gotten married. I would have said, Fuck you, Fate! This is awesome right now!
And you know what? While it lasted, it really was!
Have you ever read one of those “How to make your marriage/relationship work” books that go “You can totally change someone else!”
Because you can’t.
Further more, no one can change you. You can certainly change your standards, your values, your dreams or desires to better suit your significant other, but if you aren’t willing to do that, and you’re still banging your head against the wall of love, honey, you’re just banging your head against a wall.
Here are some universal truths for you:
- You have a soul mate.
- If you look deeply enough, you have about 6.91 billion soul mates.
- No one is keeping you in an unsatisfying relationship except yourself (I’m not talking about abusive relationships here, if you are being abused physically, mentally or emotionally, please seek help! You deserve better!).
- You are not required by the Universe to love until it hurts. Or because it hurts. When you are blissfully happy, no one is going to look down on you for walking away from a past relationship.
- You can walk away. You can run away. You can even not look back.
- You’ll be a better person for it.
I used to be one of those romantics that went down with the ship. If I was in love, that was it! I was sunk. And after talking to hundreds of women (and hey, even a few men!) about their problems, I’ve come to the conclusion that all that attitude gets you is sunk. Better to paddle a kayak all alone through the sea of love and oh baby, there are a lot of fish out there.
I’m not saying don’t fall in love. I’m not saying don’t fall head over heels in love. And I’m not saying that if you’re relationship is troubled it’s doomed. That’s the beauty of free-will. If it’s not in the cards, you’re free to fight against it or for it all you want. And that’s what I’m saying here — you decide all that fighting stuff. The power to fight and the power to say, nope, not gonna fight, are all in your hands.
And when you realize that, the Universe opens up to you and the answers to the “Should I stay, should I go” questions become decidedly clear.